New!

I re-did my blog. Possibly for the first time ever.. I don't remember exactly.

Our Song is the Slamming Screen Door

People I've been incredibly thankful for in the past two weeks... and what they've done to make me feel better:

Kaylie Rae has been here for me forever and ever, but especially in this wretchedness. Midnight texts, 9am phone calls, and laughter through the tears... how I love her.

Jared Philip has also been pretty amazing. It's always good to gain some perspective on things. Thanksgiving breakfast, Skype chats, long phone calls, and completely inappropriate jokes... he's managed to make me smile quite a few times.

Jennette, aka Jenney is one of the best pen pals anyone could ever have. I can't believe it's going on ten years. A listening ear (or reading eyes?), letters with doodles on them, and incredibly strict Photoshop requests have all managed to distract me at least a little.

Craig[er] is the other best pen pal anyone could ever have. Prayers, advice, and asking the hard questions... he's just been there.

Kelly Brett knows how to answer the hard questions. He accepted an apology for a foolish reaction, and went on to walk me through my responsibilities in this whole wretched situation.

Stephen Lee isn't always the most comfortable with emotion and advice... but he was willing to listen and to talk. Proverbs 15:8, offering to be an intermediary if needed, and being honest about when the conversation needed to end... I'm so thankful for him.


It's good to have friends. I really wish I had a picture of all of these people together that I could end the post with it... but they're completely scattered. Hillsdale, Dowagiac, GI, California, Wisconsin, Big Rapids... yeah.

Thank the Lord

Thank the Lord for TRUE friends, saving grace, and penpals. Not necessarily in that particular order.

The last few days...

Highs...
-Family Thanksgiving
-Thanksgiving breakfast with my best.
-easy days at work, despite the busyness.
-Jared and Molly coming to family Thanksgiving.
-Proverbs 15:8 [and long overdue deep conversations]
-There's a rhino in my house!
-apologizing for overreacting.
-working out a meeting with the Hobson side.
-hugs from my whole family.
-A random after-dinner walk with Dawn, Nate, and Aunt Janice
-pizza for dinner.

-"free day."

I love my cousins

Lows...
-Wednesday morning.
-driving while it's pouring rain and I'm sobbing. I'm sure that was safe.
-walking into class after barely composing myself, only to have Cory's "You look like you just lost your best friend" set me off again.
-Not getting the work call until AFTER I had made plans for tomorrow
-Having to cancel the plans for tomorrow.
-Driving in the dark, fog, and pouring rain. While sobbing. Again. I'm sure that was REALLY safe.
-Not being able to listen to Taking Back Sunday anymore, because it makes me too sad.
-thinking about the awkwardness that is going to be next Friday.
-"Why do you sound sick?"

I need a hug.

What Terrible Company, With Zero Apologies

So. Apparently when I'm upset, I clean. And I clean well. I forgot that I took pictures of my room last Sunday. :)

My new desk... heater... bulletin board... bookshelf that contains no books

My couch and bookshelf.

And my bed... the most comfortable place in the world :)

There, killing two birds with one stone. Now Jenney has "seen" where I live... and my room is clean.
I like Underoath.
10 days!

A Week Later

Ouch.

I Will Fight this War Forever, or Until I Die.

The wretched: The worst part is how you don't even care. You're leaving me, your best friend. You're leaving your boyfriend. You're leaving your FAMILY. Because, no matter how much you try to deny it, a church is a FAMILY. You're divorcing us all, and there is no easy divorce. You remain apathetic at best about the whole situation. Possibly even slightly happy. And it hurts, so bad. It's like a hole, punched right in my chest.

The good: I have Jesus. I have my family. I have Kaylie. I have Jared. I worked my butt off at the studio today, to keep from thinking. I got my Tooth and Nail vs. Solid State CD. It's almost Thanksgiving. Which means it's almost Christmas.

This is where you say it's not what it looks like

I don't even know what to say. I can't think of a situation in which I could face you again. I've been humiliated and offended. This week just gets worse and worse...

I know You're holding me, I know You're in control. Please just hold me a little tighter.

Psalm 57

¹Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me,
For my soul takes refuge in You;
And in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge
Until destruction passes by.
²I will cry to God Most High,
To God who accomplishes all things for me.
³He will send from heaven and save me;
He reproaches him who tramples upon me Selah
God will send forth His lovingkindness and His truth.
⁴My soul is among lions;
I must lie among those who breathe forth fire,
Even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows
And their tongue a sharp sword.
⁵Be exalted above the heavens, O God;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.
⁶They have prepared a net for my steps;
My soul is bowed down;
They dug a pit before me;
They themselves have fallen into the midst of it. Selah.
⁷My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!
⁸Awake, my glory!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
⁹I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to You among the nations.
¹⁰For Your lovingkindness is great to the heavens
And Your truth to the clouds.
¹¹Be exalted above the heavens, O God;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.

Amen and amen.

It's like I've been robbed of something I once was in my childhood memories.

One of the worst days in a long time... I wish we could just go back to being two years old again.

I’ve got a bad taste in me
It’s like I’ve been robbed of something
I once was in my childhood memories
And it’s buried in sandboxes back where we used to see
The dreams could come true if believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

I’ve got a bad pain in my heart
It’s like the first time that I looked in your eyes
The first time it all fall apart
And it’s buried in sandboxes back where we used to see
The dreams could come true if believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home

All I have is words
To which I’m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping to save me
But I’m lost
I’m so lost

These pages will burn
And I’ll pass away
Yesterday’s gone
And I just can’t shake
The fact that I’m lost
I’m so lost

But now we are so far from home
Far from home

Now we are so far from home
Far from home

I Love...

...letters
...surprise phone calls
...Indian Summers
...pen pal[s]
...the way that we laugh until we cry, dance until we die
...pulling a 4.0 at the time of college midterms
...going out to breakfast
...chicken soup
...the smile with which you look at me and say, are you ready for this?
...Underoath
...new music
...listening to my team win regionals

Good day. Good good day.

Jaded

Note: I know as far as poetry goes, this probably sucks worse than my grandma's expensive vacuum... but in my defense, I just started typing and out poured… THIS.  Also, Blogspot may or may not decide to preserve my formatting.  I certainly hope it decides to. 

Jaded
Angry
Confused
Broken [promises]
More times than I can count[less]
lies, so many countless lies.
Never ending
Heartbreak
Giving, giving, giving
I want it back
My heart
my soul
my mind[less]
Rambling, so much rambling.
when is it my turn to take?
unnecessary roughness
guilt tripping words
sorry
pain[ful]
goodbyes with teary eyes
f
a
  l
   l
    i
     n
      g
hard[er and harder]
your eyes
pulling
yanking [me in]
telling me it's okay
it's not okay [i'm not okay]
I'm
f
a
  l
   l
    i
     n
      g
so wrong

but so right.

Fruits, Phone Calls, and, um, Other Things that Don't Start With "F"

Yesterday, Mom and I went to Meijer to look for some new fruits to try. I picked up an odd looking green specimen called a cherimoya. After a bit of cajoling, I convinced Mom to take it home to try.
That night, I was getting dinner around, and I cut it open. My nostrils were immediately hit by a very familiar smell. I took a bite and realized it was a fruit I had eaten once before: In the Peruvian jungle village of Alejandria. A native had plucked it from a tree, cracked it on the trunk, and handed it to me, mimicking the action of pulling out a seed, sucking off the fruit, and spitting out the seed.
The fruit looks a little different from Peru to the USA, mostly likely due to the distance it had to travel before reaching Meijer in Birch Run... this fruit is native only to Peru and Chile. Anyway, Mom and I were incredibly excited, jumping around the kitchen and such. I'm sure Dad and Bo thought we had gone crazy(er). Of course the flavor wasn't quite as intense as that of the fruit picked directly from the vine, but it was close.

Today we had a review in Spanish class, which meant that the class was even more insanely easy than usual. After class, I was eating my lunch. Emilyy had called me several times, so when my phone rang, I answered it without looking at the Caller ID. Much to my surprise, it was Rocky! We talked for a while, while he walked to class. It made me miss camp and Crossroads :)

I sat with Emilyy and her family while she got registered for our Photography class, then it was time for History. The teacher accidentally put her notes for the day up on Blackboard, instead of just an outline, so I wrote a letter and doodled during class... printed out the notes in the computer lab right after :)

I went to the library for a while, none of my books were in... joined Curves, came home and changed, went back there for my first session... huzzah.

It was a good day :)