From Time to Time

Please note. This is all Jenney's fault. Her Oregon post made me nostalgic.

Bleak. Cold. Blank.

The snowy landscape

Matches my emotion

From time to time

I miss it so much

That I'm in physical pain

I lie awake

Staring, staring

Endlessly

Wishing to go back

Back to those endless drives

Those stupid arguments

Back to M-46 and M-99

Haunted arboretums and

Great deals on photos

Back to the movie theater

Sitting in my car, talking

The windows fogging up

Back to doing insane amounts of school work

Making dinner and cleaning up

Just because I wanted to

Back to having friends

And a life

I want to go back

Back to the student center

To poke fights and real worship

To sitting at Subway for all hours

Sharing a 2-liter of Mountain Dew

Back to counselor talks

Drinking tea and walking down railroad tracks

Back to spending hours in Blockbuster

Fighting over the evening's selection

Waiting for you to put your shoes on

Driving out of my way on purpose

I want to go back

Back to learning to drive in the snow

To pizza dates and movie nights

To laughing hysterically

Being who I really am

Back to gangsta impressions

Followed by deep discussions

Sheer honesty

I want to go back

But we can never go back

So I stare

Endlessly

Bleak, cold, blank

The snowy landscape

Matches my emotion

From time to time

Band of the Week (pt. 2)

If you were wondering why Taking Back Sunday stopped being good after Tell All Your Friends, the answer is my second pick for Band of the Week. Guitarist Josh Nolan left the band after this album, and with his sister Michelle, former TBS bassist Shaun Cooper, and drummer Will Noon, formed Straylight Run.
Their sound is like a mellower Taking Back Sunday, with female vocals. Melodically similar to Death Cab for Cutie, but still original. As always, I was drawn to the band first by their music, and then compelled to take a closer look when I examined their lyrics.

"Sing me something soft/Sad and delicate/Or loud and out of key/Sing me anything" (Existentialism On Prom Night), "Holding on to the phone/Holding on to this glass/Holding on to the memory of what didn't last/Waiting for better days/They'll never come/So dry your eyes/It's better/Now it's done." (Now It's Done), "A laundry list of problems/Doesn't make you interesting/And never getting help doesn't make you brave/Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith/You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face" (Sympathy for the Martyr)

Straylight Run creates a sound that I can crank up in the car and fall asleep to at night, and mingles it with lyrics that are relatable and open without being annoyingly emo.

Now comes the sad part. I discovered this band on accident, when looking for a Taking Back Sunday CD at a little record store in Daytona Beach (Atlantic Sounds Records) on February 18. I googled them a couple days later, and found this posted on their Tumblr page:

"Dear friends and fans of Straylight Run,

We are very sad to announce to you that we will be going on an indefinite hiatus. We call it a hiatus and not a break up because the band still enjoys working together and is open to the idea of doing so in the future. If it was up to us we would continue making music throughout this year and the years to come, but the unfortunate reality is that being in a band is a business and when business isn’t good you can only keep going for so long.
We are still making plans to release the live album that we recorded at the end of our last tour. As of now there is no release date though, so stay tuned for more information on that.
We would like to thank everyone one of you who ever came to a show, bought one of our records, took us on tour or supported us in any way at all over the nearly seven years that we’ve been a band. We’d also like to thank everyone that has worked for us, especially Dave Stein, Andrew Buck, Dayna Ghiraldi, Shannon Kimball and everyone at Padell. We have had an amazing time and feel so incredibly grateful to you all for everything we’ve experienced throughout our years as a band. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
Love,
Straylight Run"

What can I say? I think I'm cursed. :(

Band of the Week (pt. 1)

I meant to do this every week. Then I forgot. Now I remembered. There are going to be two this week :)

La Dispute: Rocky introduced me to La Dispute a while ago. I downloaded one of their albums and forgot about it. I discovered it on my iPod a week or two ago, and fell in love. Similar to mewithoutYou, this style of music isn't for everyone. It's best described as poetry recited somewhat melodically over music. At times it's angry, and at times the emotion is so raw that I wanted to cry.With lyrics like "You still cross my mind from time to time/And I mostly smile/Still so set on finding out where we went wrong and why/So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen/trying to figure out what my head thinks/but my head just ain't what it used to be," (Andria), "I think I saw you in my sleep, darling/I think I saw you in my dreams/You were stitching up the seams/Of every broken promise that your body could not keep/I think I saw you in my sleep," (Such Small Hands) and "And I remember when I knew that you'd be leaving/how I barely kept up breathing/and I bet if I had to do it all again, I'd feel the same pain/And I remember panicked circles in the terminal in tears/How I wept to God in fits/I've hated airports ever since,"(Andria, again) La Dispute combines pure lyrical honestly with tight instrumentals, and somehow makes it work.

Girl Put Your Records On

During my trip to Florida, I fell back in love with music. I'm not really sure how it had come about that music and I had broken up, but we had. I had become selective and picky, listening almost exclusively to Death Cab for Cutie (during the day) and Sufjan Stevens (at night). I downloaded a couple of new albums, but found no reason to listen.

On the flight to Florida, however, that all changed. I had created a playlist of four or five albums I had had for a while but never listened to, but stuck in about 25-30 songs I know well. After buckling my seatbelt, using maneuvers that would make most yoga master jealous, I wrestled my iPod from the backpack that was shoved under the seat less than a foot in front of me. I stuck my headphones in my ears, cranked up the volume, and closed my eyes. The sounds that came out of my iPod were foreign. It was a band I had never listened to, and I was immediately intrigued. The song was a short one, and soon a song I knew came on. I listened to the familiar sounds while processing the first song. Then came another new band, and another, and more familiar songs. Fast, slow, loud, soft, happy, sad, angry, melodic, angry, lovesick, in love, heartbroken, healing, praising, wishing. It was beautiful. The perfect mix of new and familiar- a lot like my life at the moment.

I kept my earbuds in throughout both flights, and the car ride home. Dinner seemed oddly quiet, even with my cousin screaming gleefully, because I had no soundtrack. Each night as I went to sleep, my iPod was playing in my ears. I had a HUNGER for music. I visited an incredible little record store in Daytona Beach, and found MORE new music. The hunger didn't subside. It didn't matter the music, I just needed music in my ears. Every car ride, in between meals, laying out by the pool- all the time, the whole vacation.

I fell asleep and woke up to music. I cranked it up in the car. Algebra class was even more torturous than usual. It was like I had been thirsty in the desert, then I discovered a water source ten feet away from me. I had been wanting new music- then I discovered my iPod. :)

It's Official

...I'm in love with the ocean.

I love...

State fairs
Ian Joseph
Snuggling with babies (specifically the aforementioned Ian Joseph)
Italian food
Music
Trying to make Jenney stop breathing
Being a creeper
When Ian reaches his arms up because he wants ME to pick him up
When Ian is sleepy and burrows his head into my shoulder
Ian in general
Piling on the giant bed
Late night ice cream
Ghiradelli chocolate
When my waitress is from Peru
Baby calves
Being unable to breathe from a picture...
:]]

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow (Or: A Brief Break from Studying Like Mad)

What I did yesterday: Slept in. Went back to classes for the first time after being sick for a week. Realized that being sick for a week was a bad idea. Found out that I have two exams on Wednesday (read: tomorrow.) Panicked. Came home. Dealt with panic by eating dinner and watching mindless television with Mom. (Notice the total lack of "studying"???)

What happened today: Slept in a little. Drove to school in blizzard conditions. Took a math exam that I didn't know existed. Got an 80. Not pleased. Drove home in blizzard-er conditions. Ate lunch. Talked to Kelly. Talked to Emilyy. Did PowWow's with Molly Marie. Ran out of time to do homework/study. Worked for three hours. Read half of "Bartleby, the Scrivener," by Melville. Cursed Melville in my head. Ate dinner. Read the other half of Bartleby. Stopped hating Melville because my brain was too confused to hate. Attempted to answer the journal questions. Realized that I still have two exams tomorrow. Thought about studying. Decided to write a blog post.

What I have to do tomorrow: Work for three hours. Eat lunch. Go to class (though I'm crossing my fingers for a snow day.) If there's not a snow day, burn down MCC. Evade police. Take 2 exams (still crossing fingers for cancellations.) Pack everything I need for 10 days in a rolling duffel and a backpack. Pick up my visitor's pass from Curve's. Contemplate the need for a Curve's membership if I never go. Decide to keep it, just to feel good about myself. Not die on the blizzard-y roads.

*sigh*
I guess I'll go study now. I hate studying. And this literature homework. And Melville. Oh wait. There's no room in my brain to hate Melville. I'm too confused by him.

Real Worship

The room is lit by a single lamp. I can hear the strains of piano music slipping under the door. Peeking in the window, I see my best friend. I slip in the door quietly, not wanting to interrupt him. He stops playing anyway, and looks up.

"Can I listen to you play for a while?" I ask. "Everyone's going crazy in the other room and I just want to think about Jesus."

He nods silently and goes back to playing while I pull a chair up to the piano. As I sit down, he begins to sing.

how long have I/been in this storm/so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form/water's getting harder to tread/with these waves crashing over my head/if I could just see you/everything will be alright/if I'd see you/the storminess will turn to light/and I will walk on water/and you will catch me if I fall/and I will get lost into your eyes/and everything will be alright

The song ends, and I applaud jokingly, but I can tell that I've walked in on a very intimate moment, and frankly, I'm still fighting. I slip out of the room.

Back in the cafeteria, a couple of rowdy card games are going. Someone has stolen the box of Cheez-It Party Mix that I left on a table. My tea is cold. Everyone is laughing and talking loudly, the mood of the night's service almost completely forgotten. Something pulls me back into that room.

This time I slip in without saying anything, and the music doesn't stop. He's playing my favorite worship song, but it's not for me. He barely notices me as I sit down in the same chair.

We are His portion and He is our prize/Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes/If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking/And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss/and my heart turns violently inside of my chest/I can't find time to maintain these regrets/when I think about the way/He loves us, oh how He loves us/Oh, how He loves us/Oh, how He loves...

I sit in my chair silently, listening to Jared play and sing. I can tell that He's singing only to Jesus, and that it wouldn't matter if I was in the room. Outside the window, people sprint past, having just participated in the polar bear plunge. Inside, though, the room is still. My heart is full. I close my eyes as the song starts over, this time with slightly different lyrics.

You love me, oh, how You love me/Oh, how You love me/Oh how You've shown me/How You love me/And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss/And my heart turns wildly inside my chest/And I can't find time to maintain my regrets/When I think about, when I think about, when I think about the way/You love me/Oh, how You love/Oh, I'm not worthy/I am not worthy/Oh, I'm not worthy/Oh, my Lord/What have you gotten yourself into?

This moment, this night... I know I'll remember it for a very long time. My best friend is not God, and he is not perfect. Watching him praise, I was reminded of this again. I also was reminded of the very real fact that none of us deserve our Savior. All we can do is come humbly before Him, thankful that He, for whatever reason, wants us.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow...

Winter Retreat is tomorrow!
WINTER RETREAT is tomorrow!
Winter Retreat IS tomorrow!
Winter Retreat is TOMORROW!
WINTER RETREAT IS TOMORROW!!!!

*tries to breathe*

What? Who? Me? Excited? Pshh.

So here's the deal.

Tonight: shower the remaining illness off of myself. Go shopping for snacks/drinks/slippers for the weekend. PACK. Take some more cough syrup and crash early.

Tomorrow: Up early. Finish packing. Photography class. Lunch. Drive to Nana and Papa Baker's. Chill for an hour or so. Go to the farm. Hugs. Check in. Hugs. DEPARTURE!!!

Tomorrow night: RETREAT! Jesus, friends, music, games...

Saturday: Repeat Friday night, only better

Sunday: Service, lunch/brunch, recap video, lots of driving. Arrive back at the farm. Hugs. Goodbyes. Tears. Back to Nana and Papa's. Pick up annual bag of homemade popcorn. Hugs. Tears. Drive home.

This weekend is going to be so wonderful! I've literally been waiting three months for this... retreat is always where things turn around for me, start to look up. And heaven knows, I'm ready for that.
TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!

I go now. I must wash the remaining sick from my body. :)

"Oh, we haven't talked in like two weeks."
"Are you mad at him?"
"No."
"Is he mad at you?"
"No."
"Then what's going on?"
"I have no idea."
Two days...

Yikes

I wasn't feeling well, so I decided to lay down during the 40 minutes I had between work and school.
Mom came in to wake me up 10 minutes before I should have left, and I convinced her to let me miss class today. (I really wasn't feeling well.)
FOUR HOURS later, I woke up.
I haven't taken a nap that long since I was 6.
And now I think I'm going to go back to sleep.
What on earth is wrong with me?!