Closure. It's a beautiful thing.

This is how it feels to be free...

Honesty.
Truth.
Freedom.
The elephant has jumped off my chest.
Thank you.
Listening.
Still laughing.
Girls' night.
Movies.
500 Days of Summer.
Tears.
Death Cab for Cutie.
Knowing that there's still a "Doug."
Laughing more.
Nick and Norah.
Beauty.
The gaping hole is slowly closing.
Happiness.

Someday, you will be loved.

It's Like I'm Dreaming in Color

Post Christmas Chaos:
Four Hours Later:
Yeah. I CLEANED my room.

I get it!

I think I get it... Family Christmas isn't about this:It's about this:and this:I think this was the first Christmas that I really "got" it... Watching Ian open his presents was the highlight of the holiday. I loved everything I was given, but it was more fun to give this year. Looking on as my one-year-old cousin opened the pounding bench we gave him, and then stuck the hammer in his mouth like a pipe, was worth more than the clothes and games I received.
It's all because of the baby... not just the one in our family, but the One who is the reason for the holiday. Without Him, I wouldn't have a happy family. I wouldn't love Christmas, and we wouldn't have a reason to celebrate.

Someday, You Will Be Loved

I once knew a boy
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Merry Christmas Eve Eve!!!!

There's snow on this side of the state.

I helped my grandma frost cookies.

I ate some ramen noodles for the first time in six weeks. (Not really Christmas related, but they were yummy.)

I ended with a 4.0 in Spanish; my other grades haven't been posted yet.

I get to see my baby cousin tomorrow.

But he's not a baby anymore.

Tomorrow is Uncle John's Christmas Eve service, followed by appetizers at Nanny's.

Then it's CHRISTMAS!!!

There's no other Man who could raise the dead.

Turning off my music and taking off my headphones is a bit like waking up from a really good dream.

Sidewalks scream our name...

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. When each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me." If you can name the book that quote comes from... without google-ing it, I'll give you... my utmost admiration :)

I'm ALMOST done Christmas shopping. I just have to return the part of Kaylie's present that's the wrong size, and get a new one... which means I get to drive ALL THE WAY back out to Micheal's... where creativity happens.

Lots of music at church this morning... and CORBAN WAS BACK!!! He was there, in his dress blues, all military-looking. And he's getting MARRIED. That just absolutely blows my mind. Pastor Brad preached about defending the validity of the virgin birth... the small children sang songs, the choir sang, and Joe and his dad sang/played Oh Holy Night at the beginning of church. It was a nice service :) I feel a little more Christmas-y now.

This is what made me miss my exit...

It was just a few years in the making now.
The two were locked in a heated dispute,
'Cause he was gone when she needed him more.
Then she could really ever let on to.

They were the poster perfect high school sweethearts,
But moving out can't erase the time.
The two had spent on working it out and
Everybody knew that they were out of their minds.

Oh, you know you really need to settle down,
Let it go.
You know you really need to settle down,
You really need to let it go.

Consider this, he was moving on while
She was busy trying to pass the time
Between the previous and next nervous breakdown.
The girl had given up the love of her life.
And all the time that she was givin' up slowly
he didn't notice when she ran away
and when it came to finally letting him on
well this is every single word she'd say...

Oh, you know you really need to settle down,
Let it go.
You know you really need to settle down,
No you really need to let it go.
For good, forget his lies -
It's the only way to save your life.
'Cause this is restitution
For the love you've thrown away.

I've got to put a stop to all this, to all this being separated and then cut off.

Note: The "you"s in this particular post refer to SO MANY incredibly different people... that it's probably best if you don't analyze it too much. I just need to get this all out...
_____________________________________________________________

When I opened the fridge today, I saw the bottle. It's been in there since June, but today I had to move it to make more room. Guaraná. I was saving it... for our reunion. You know, the one I've been planning in my brain since the last one ended. We were going to break trees, and hide in the woods when cars went by, and look at thousands of pictures from everything that's happened since the last time. We were going to laugh and talk. You were going to pass massive amounts of gas and blame it on the cat. Plans change. You've changed. I've changed. You don't have time for that now. You've got other priorities. I am no longer on the list of people you have to care about. I don't even know it you'll read this. And apparently it's time for me to drink that Guaraná already... by myself.

_____________________________________________________________

I need you to need me as much as I need you. I can't bear the thought that someday I might wake up, and you'll just be gone. I can't handle it. At all. Everytime I think about it, my chest feels like there's an elephant sitting on it.. my head spins, and I can't breathe. Don't you dare go anywhere.
______________________________________________________________

It's not the same when you're not there. Who do I roll my eyes at when he says "lady gaGAH?" Who do I laugh with? Who do I talk to? Who do I sit by? Who do I pass notes to? No one. And they wonder why I'm in a bad mood, why I don't feel well. Deduce, Sherlock.
__________________________________________________________

It's not the actual getting married that I'm sad about. It's the fact that I'm losing another close friend... I can't keep being friends with you once you're married to her. Sure, she's great, and I'm glad you're in love... but girls and guys can't continue to be good friends when one of them is married. It just doesn't work.
___________________________________________________________

Well. that feels mildly better.

It's Like I Waited my Whole Life, for this One Bite...er... night...

So, I followed Jenney's suggestion and made the Pioneer Woman's mac and cheese.
Holy cow.
I grated an entire pound of cheese... Sent an emergency text to Jenney (that didn't go through for some reason) screaming "HELP! MY MILK, EGGS, AND FLOUR WON'T THICKEN!!" Seconds after that, it was amazingly thick.
I sprinkled a LOT of cheese on top, stuck it in the oven, and 25 minutes later. YIKES. This stuff is incredible. Absolutely amazing. Quite possibly the greatest thing I've ever cooked. Now, I realize that that statement doesn't mean much, since I haven't cooked very many things. But this stuff is GOOD.

The flash didn't quite allow me to capture the true beauty...So I turned it off.See? Gorgeous. It tastes good, too.

I'm not sure if you're aware...

...but that was supposed to be me. =/

They just spin in perfect little circles, and that's all that they know

Another blah English class today. Peer editing is no fun when none of the people in your class understand basic grammar.
"No, you see... when it's y-o-u-r, you're indicating possession..."
Christmas shopping with the youth group was fun. We ate at Quizno's. I like to say "toasty bullet."
I wrote my first ever letter of two weeks notice today. THAT was fun. *sarcasm*
Spanish exam in the morning, then like 3 hours to kill between classes. We're watching a Ken Burns documentary in History class. I hope he's British. British people are the only reason to watch documentaries.
I'm praying for a snow day.

I feel, like this is going nowhere.

I hate research papers.
I just opened my evidence box from last year... wow. I think I miss debate a little bit.
I need to go somewhere.
I need to meet with my boss soon.
I love Underoath. And Emery. And now, August Burns Red. And concerts.

Christmas is coming!

Hehe. It just hit me the other day that it's almost Christmas. Why?
Hmm. Well, in no particular order:
-We now have a large, artificial evergreen tree in our living room.
-The checkout screen at work reminds me to say "Happy Holidays" as people leave. (I say Merry Christmas- I'm a rebel. And also a CHRISTian. Therefore I celebrate CHRISTmas.)
-I went Christmas shopping for a little bit today. I have three people's gifts almost ready to wrap!
-There are Christmas drive (sorry. Holiday drive) boxes up at Mott.

Unrelated to Christmas, I just bought The Fold's new CD for $8.99. They didn't charge for shipping, and they're SIGNING it. Merry early Christmas to me!

New!

I re-did my blog. Possibly for the first time ever.. I don't remember exactly.

Our Song is the Slamming Screen Door

People I've been incredibly thankful for in the past two weeks... and what they've done to make me feel better:

Kaylie Rae has been here for me forever and ever, but especially in this wretchedness. Midnight texts, 9am phone calls, and laughter through the tears... how I love her.

Jared Philip has also been pretty amazing. It's always good to gain some perspective on things. Thanksgiving breakfast, Skype chats, long phone calls, and completely inappropriate jokes... he's managed to make me smile quite a few times.

Jennette, aka Jenney is one of the best pen pals anyone could ever have. I can't believe it's going on ten years. A listening ear (or reading eyes?), letters with doodles on them, and incredibly strict Photoshop requests have all managed to distract me at least a little.

Craig[er] is the other best pen pal anyone could ever have. Prayers, advice, and asking the hard questions... he's just been there.

Kelly Brett knows how to answer the hard questions. He accepted an apology for a foolish reaction, and went on to walk me through my responsibilities in this whole wretched situation.

Stephen Lee isn't always the most comfortable with emotion and advice... but he was willing to listen and to talk. Proverbs 15:8, offering to be an intermediary if needed, and being honest about when the conversation needed to end... I'm so thankful for him.


It's good to have friends. I really wish I had a picture of all of these people together that I could end the post with it... but they're completely scattered. Hillsdale, Dowagiac, GI, California, Wisconsin, Big Rapids... yeah.

Thank the Lord

Thank the Lord for TRUE friends, saving grace, and penpals. Not necessarily in that particular order.

The last few days...

Highs...
-Family Thanksgiving
-Thanksgiving breakfast with my best.
-easy days at work, despite the busyness.
-Jared and Molly coming to family Thanksgiving.
-Proverbs 15:8 [and long overdue deep conversations]
-There's a rhino in my house!
-apologizing for overreacting.
-working out a meeting with the Hobson side.
-hugs from my whole family.
-A random after-dinner walk with Dawn, Nate, and Aunt Janice
-pizza for dinner.

-"free day."

I love my cousins

Lows...
-Wednesday morning.
-driving while it's pouring rain and I'm sobbing. I'm sure that was safe.
-walking into class after barely composing myself, only to have Cory's "You look like you just lost your best friend" set me off again.
-Not getting the work call until AFTER I had made plans for tomorrow
-Having to cancel the plans for tomorrow.
-Driving in the dark, fog, and pouring rain. While sobbing. Again. I'm sure that was REALLY safe.
-Not being able to listen to Taking Back Sunday anymore, because it makes me too sad.
-thinking about the awkwardness that is going to be next Friday.
-"Why do you sound sick?"

I need a hug.

What Terrible Company, With Zero Apologies

So. Apparently when I'm upset, I clean. And I clean well. I forgot that I took pictures of my room last Sunday. :)

My new desk... heater... bulletin board... bookshelf that contains no books

My couch and bookshelf.

And my bed... the most comfortable place in the world :)

There, killing two birds with one stone. Now Jenney has "seen" where I live... and my room is clean.
I like Underoath.
10 days!

A Week Later

Ouch.

I Will Fight this War Forever, or Until I Die.

The wretched: The worst part is how you don't even care. You're leaving me, your best friend. You're leaving your boyfriend. You're leaving your FAMILY. Because, no matter how much you try to deny it, a church is a FAMILY. You're divorcing us all, and there is no easy divorce. You remain apathetic at best about the whole situation. Possibly even slightly happy. And it hurts, so bad. It's like a hole, punched right in my chest.

The good: I have Jesus. I have my family. I have Kaylie. I have Jared. I worked my butt off at the studio today, to keep from thinking. I got my Tooth and Nail vs. Solid State CD. It's almost Thanksgiving. Which means it's almost Christmas.

This is where you say it's not what it looks like

I don't even know what to say. I can't think of a situation in which I could face you again. I've been humiliated and offended. This week just gets worse and worse...

I know You're holding me, I know You're in control. Please just hold me a little tighter.

Psalm 57

¹Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me,
For my soul takes refuge in You;
And in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge
Until destruction passes by.
²I will cry to God Most High,
To God who accomplishes all things for me.
³He will send from heaven and save me;
He reproaches him who tramples upon me Selah
God will send forth His lovingkindness and His truth.
⁴My soul is among lions;
I must lie among those who breathe forth fire,
Even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows
And their tongue a sharp sword.
⁵Be exalted above the heavens, O God;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.
⁶They have prepared a net for my steps;
My soul is bowed down;
They dug a pit before me;
They themselves have fallen into the midst of it. Selah.
⁷My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!
⁸Awake, my glory!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
⁹I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to You among the nations.
¹⁰For Your lovingkindness is great to the heavens
And Your truth to the clouds.
¹¹Be exalted above the heavens, O God;
Let Your glory be above all the earth.

Amen and amen.

It's like I've been robbed of something I once was in my childhood memories.

One of the worst days in a long time... I wish we could just go back to being two years old again.

I’ve got a bad taste in me
It’s like I’ve been robbed of something
I once was in my childhood memories
And it’s buried in sandboxes back where we used to see
The dreams could come true if believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

I’ve got a bad pain in my heart
It’s like the first time that I looked in your eyes
The first time it all fall apart
And it’s buried in sandboxes back where we used to see
The dreams could come true if believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home

All I have is words
To which I’m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping to save me
But I’m lost
I’m so lost

These pages will burn
And I’ll pass away
Yesterday’s gone
And I just can’t shake
The fact that I’m lost
I’m so lost

But now we are so far from home
Far from home

Now we are so far from home
Far from home

I Love...

...letters
...surprise phone calls
...Indian Summers
...pen pal[s]
...the way that we laugh until we cry, dance until we die
...pulling a 4.0 at the time of college midterms
...going out to breakfast
...chicken soup
...the smile with which you look at me and say, are you ready for this?
...Underoath
...new music
...listening to my team win regionals

Good day. Good good day.

Jaded

Note: I know as far as poetry goes, this probably sucks worse than my grandma's expensive vacuum... but in my defense, I just started typing and out poured… THIS.  Also, Blogspot may or may not decide to preserve my formatting.  I certainly hope it decides to. 

Jaded
Angry
Confused
Broken [promises]
More times than I can count[less]
lies, so many countless lies.
Never ending
Heartbreak
Giving, giving, giving
I want it back
My heart
my soul
my mind[less]
Rambling, so much rambling.
when is it my turn to take?
unnecessary roughness
guilt tripping words
sorry
pain[ful]
goodbyes with teary eyes
f
a
  l
   l
    i
     n
      g
hard[er and harder]
your eyes
pulling
yanking [me in]
telling me it's okay
it's not okay [i'm not okay]
I'm
f
a
  l
   l
    i
     n
      g
so wrong

but so right.

Fruits, Phone Calls, and, um, Other Things that Don't Start With "F"

Yesterday, Mom and I went to Meijer to look for some new fruits to try. I picked up an odd looking green specimen called a cherimoya. After a bit of cajoling, I convinced Mom to take it home to try.
That night, I was getting dinner around, and I cut it open. My nostrils were immediately hit by a very familiar smell. I took a bite and realized it was a fruit I had eaten once before: In the Peruvian jungle village of Alejandria. A native had plucked it from a tree, cracked it on the trunk, and handed it to me, mimicking the action of pulling out a seed, sucking off the fruit, and spitting out the seed.
The fruit looks a little different from Peru to the USA, mostly likely due to the distance it had to travel before reaching Meijer in Birch Run... this fruit is native only to Peru and Chile. Anyway, Mom and I were incredibly excited, jumping around the kitchen and such. I'm sure Dad and Bo thought we had gone crazy(er). Of course the flavor wasn't quite as intense as that of the fruit picked directly from the vine, but it was close.

Today we had a review in Spanish class, which meant that the class was even more insanely easy than usual. After class, I was eating my lunch. Emilyy had called me several times, so when my phone rang, I answered it without looking at the Caller ID. Much to my surprise, it was Rocky! We talked for a while, while he walked to class. It made me miss camp and Crossroads :)

I sat with Emilyy and her family while she got registered for our Photography class, then it was time for History. The teacher accidentally put her notes for the day up on Blackboard, instead of just an outline, so I wrote a letter and doodled during class... printed out the notes in the computer lab right after :)

I went to the library for a while, none of my books were in... joined Curves, came home and changed, went back there for my first session... huzzah.

It was a good day :)

Why We Need Caller ID.

Alyssa: Hello?
Voice from phone: [slurred, stumbling]Hey, how's it goin'
Alyssa: um. HelLO?
Voice from phone: Hey babe. Wassup?
Alyssa: I- uh- I think you have the wrong number.
Voice from phone: No I ain't... I wanchu.
Alyssa: No. I think you have the wrong number. Who is this.
Voice from phone: Who's THIS?
Alyssa: ....This is Alyssa. Who IS this?
Voice from phone: ooh. Thassa pretty name. What's yo-...
Alyssa: CLICK.


Well. That was awkward. Happy Halloween, I guess. The holiday of drunken prank calls.


ps: When I tried to *69 the number, it had been blocked. 25¢ down the drain.

This Weekend

Murder Mystery is this weekend... I am so incredibly excited.
Not only do I get to go to MM10/ the Shine Bright Baby concert, I get to see so many people... including my BEST FRIEND, whom I have not seen since camp. Ohhh, I can't wait.
I'm so glad things are so... normal.. on my end again. HOOOOORAYYYY!!!!
AAAND I get to see my Gracie, and Jocie, and Jared, and Maggie, and Molly, and Levi, and HUNTER!!! AHHHH!!!!!
Now I just need to stop being sick.
Meh.

To Ten Million Fireflies, I'm Weird 'Cause I Hate Goodbyes...

History class starts at 1. NOT 2. History class starts at 1. NOT 2. History class starts at 1. NOT 2. (Repeat 100 times daily, until that does not happen again- close call, but it was alright!)

I took the PSAT this morning. It was disgustingly easy, but that's all I'm allowed to say about it, under punishment of law (or destroyed test scores.) Of course, Emilyy and I may or may not have chatted at Applebee's after... but whatever.

We left our tip for the waiter in the shape of a vampire face.

I'm tired of dreaming about backdrops and portrait collections.

I have a blue wristband on my left arm that says "DOMINATE." It's for work. I'm unnaturally excited about it.

"But I'll try, for your love"

I need to sleep for about 36 hours. Even 24. I might settle for 12-14, if they were uninterrupted. Bleh.

English class today... I got more angry than I've been since Mr. Marakovitz told us that our song for band was about "Jesus and other crap like that" in 7th grade. But that's another story for another time.

Stopped at Emilyy's on the way home from English to share with her the offending piece of poetry, and the accompanying essay and dialogue. Both of which are also, other stories for another time.

Worked from 1-7. That lunch break I was supposed to have from 2-3? It was consumed by photographing two adorable children in Halloween costumes. (A turtle and a giraffe, both age 1)

I met my boss's boss, took a LOT of pictures, escaped twice to gulp water from the drinking fountain, sweated through my makeup, scheduled some appointments, enhanced portraits, sold portraits, assured parents that the cut on their child's chin was NOT visible in the portrait, fake-smiled, and made lots of noises like "Aaahhhh BOO! I'm'a getchu!! I'm'a getcher toesies!"

Bought an Arizona Tea on the way home, and here I sit. I need to write this History paper and GO TO SLEEP.

Today has been Eventful

So far today...

Warren (The 55 year old man behind me in Spanish) announced that he "could do the Cupid Shuffle."

Bergita told us about "Santa's Little Helpers."

I found out that one of the girls in my Spanish class is going to Spring Arbor.

I witnessed a man loudly writing a rap song in front of the CMC.

I watched a hackey-sack circle.

It's only noon. And I still have to work. This is going to be interesting.

"When the hours turn to minutes and I'm seconds away."

This last week or two has been crazy.
Highlights:

Home(school)coming 2009!!! Sooo much fun...Kaylie, Craig, and Jonny stayed at my house after. Angela was an incredible hair/makeup/photographer. Rrrrrossa was a great ride :] The whole night was such a grand time of laughter, Italian food, bowling, and staying up late.
I got a 102.6% on my first ever college exam. Granted, it was Spanish, and it was incredibly easy. But still. I've made "friends" in all of my classes- at least, there are people I could call if I missed, and they would tell me what I had missed.

Nana and Papa took me to lunch between classes one day. On the way home, I managed to get lost in downtown Flint. THAT was an experience.

I got a job!!! I start tomorrow at the JC Penney Portrait Studio. I'm pretty excited- I get to take pictures and get paid for it! :]

We got to go to a Tigers' Game in a suite courtesy of FSN Detroit... food, friends, and fun :] (I'm alliterating- because Billy Sr. came!) The fact that Kaylie was there meant that I didn't WATCH much baseball... but the Tigs won 7-2.



Hillsdale County Fair Weekend 2009 was incredibly fun. Sleep-deprived secret telling, early morning, coffee with Jared, Wendy's for "real food" and wi-fi, family, "lunch" with Jared, Fair, Levi finally coming, meeting new friends (Kyle, or Conway, as Emilyy called him), and one of the best family dinners in a long time.

Today, I taught Junior Church. We have such an incredibly diverse (personality-wise) group of kids in that class, it's always intriguing.
After church, we had a delicious lunch, then I finished my English essay (observing a scene.) Watched some TV, read for a while, then I actually took a nap. The last time I did that was at camp.
Well. I think I'll go to bed now. I'm pretty much an elderly lady when it comes to sleep patterns right now... still trying to catch up from staying up until 5:30 after hsc. :]]

Love.

Little Known Facts

My cell phone has more contacts under "J" than any other letter.

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

All porcupines float in water.

Memories

The strings of my heart- tied all over the world. They're tugged, pulled, yanked. Tugged to Hiawatha: to my fellow staff members, to campers, to more memories than words can express. They're pulled towards Hillsdale County, to Crossroads Farm, to late nights in the car, to my many family members there. The strings of my heart are yanked back to Pucallpa, Peru. Yanked to my Peruvian familia, to the orphans of Aldea Infantil San Juan, to the members of CEMY and Jovenes con Vision, to motocarro rides and meals at C'est si Bon.

It takes so little for a memory to come rushing back. A smell, a song, a taste, a Bible verse, a movie, even hearing spoken Spanish- can all bring back vivid, colorful, intense memories.
I smell smoke and dust and suddenly I'm walking the streets of Pucallpa with Ben, Craig, Azaky, Drake, Ian, Mel, or Kelly. "He Will Carry Me" comes on the radio and I'm back on stage, placing baby Moses in the river of arms doing that motion I still can't do.

We order Subway for dinner and I'm transported back to Reading. To those late nights in Subway, talking and laughing. To the rides home, listening to Yes FM. Singing at the top of our lungs- even though none of us are really singers.

Pastor Brad preaches on Psalm 139. I close my eyes, and I'm back at Hiawatha, surrounded by my closest friends. My arms are raised, tears squeeze through my closed eyes. Such a knowledge is too, wonderful for me/It is too high, for my feeble mind/Where can I go from your Spirit?/Where can I run from Your presence?/If I ascend to the heavens, You are there, You are there/You're rising up in the morning/In a dry and barren land/Leading me, holding me in Your hand/There You are/How wonderful to be where you are. I'm with God. I'm home.

Looking through movies on my computer, I see Son of Rambow. The memories rush back- arguing in the video store, skeptically agreeing after what seems like hours. Come on, don't you trust me? Aren't you always talking about how you trust me? Sitting in my grandparents' living room with two of my closest friends, laughing hysterically.

I can be walking through the mall when I hear somebody speaking Spanish. I strain to listen, hoping I can catch a few words. The language takes me back to my most recent trip to Peru, to the day when God put words in my mouth that I never knew I know. To those ten days of translation and communications. To realizing later that I had communicated full conversations- almost completely in a language I barely speak.

Grilled cheese and tomato soup takes me back in time to the camp dining room. Back to constantly "hitting the jackpot," to debates, arguments, and jokes. Back to laughing, getting mail, and thinking it would never end.

As we sing "He Keeps Me Singing," I picture myself standing between Rocky and Reuben on the platform. I'm one of maybe three staff members who know the song. There's a cheat board in the front row. I remember belting it out loudly, no doubt off-key, yet exuberantly joyful.

Work in Progress- more to come.

"It's all in the way I say what I don't mean, and mean what I don't"

Aaaand I'm back. The last few days have been fairly uneventful...
Sunday: Church in the morning. Went to lunch at Twin's (Bo's idea). It was bleh as usual. I watched some Gilmore Girls and did a whole lot of nothing until around 5, when I went to Skowronski's. Picked up my chemistry book, returned the microscope, and talked to Eric and Dr. S. for a while. I hadn't seen them since before this summer...
Monday: I most definitely did not want to wake up on Monday morning. Did it anyway. I went to Clio for my English Composition class. I think it's going to be a good one, although so far I haven't learned anything new. My teacher is really funny.
After class, I went to Montrose to pick up something for Mom. I stopped at a few places on the way home to inquire about employment. Wireless Giant is "always hiring," but I applied a while ago and still haven't heard anything. No one likes 16-year-old homeschooled/dual enrolled students who can't work weekends. I did a math lesson and a chemistry lesson when I got home... the two of those felt surprisingly similar. Meh. No me gusta la matematica.
Today: I hit the snooze button... 3 times? Is that possible? When I finally rolled out of bed, we went to breakfast at Cracker Barrel. I headed to Mott from there. Spanish was first. Easy stuff again. I sat on the other side of the room today, though.
I realized on my way to the school that I had no money and no food, so I scraped enough change from the bottom of my backpack for a bag of chips and a water. Nutritious lunch :) Bridgeta sat with me while I ate, which was nice.
I had an incredible job opportunity presented to me today. Pray that everything works out.
History was interesting. My teacher is very open to religious discussion, and I've found out that there are a few more Christians in my class. We'll have to band together :)
I came home and ate some real lunch... uploaded some videos to facebook... and now I'm going to go to the library.
Later :)

"Then summer came, and you left me with your words..."

"...The clever sounds, of your mouth, that can make me feel so worthless."
Ohhh, how I love Emery.

Too bad I wasn't home when they played in Detroit. And too bad I'll be at the rally when AARON GILLESPIE is in Detroit. BLEGH. Of all the nights for them to play at The Fillmore. If it were the night after or the night before, it would be PERFECT.

Random lamenting about my lack of recent concerts over. I enjoy putting my iTunes on shuffle. Sometimes I forget what great music I have on there.
Currently playing: "Crying" by Manic Drive. "Sunset disappears/And I’m left in the dark/ Your will not my will be done/I won’t change for someone."

Wednesday: I had my first class at the Northern Tier Center, which was English. It was a little odd going to class in the building where Pamida used to be, as I remember shopping there with my mom as a kid. We spent the whole class time playing "Two Truths and a Lie." Productive.
Continued job searching after that, got applications from Tropitan, and Big John's, and stopped at around 10 places to inquire about my other apps or ask if they were hiring.

ooh! Now it's "Save," by Timmy Curran. "Please don't follow me/'Cause I'm headed down a one way evil street/I'm destined for disaster/I've done it on my own/Please don't follow me."

Thanks to Jared for that one :)

Thursday: I drove to Mott on my own. Found out the hard way that Irish Rd. is closed to I-69 currently. Ended up in Davison. I still managed to make it to Spanish class on time though. There was a very nice girl who sat next to me, talked to me, and complained that the class was too easy. She left after break and never returned.

After lunch, I talked to Emilyy for a bit while exploring the campus. I finally decided to just go up to my history classroom early again. I saw Monica on the way and talked to her for a bit.
In history, we discussed the Reformation. I've never known that it was possible to extract Jesus from that event, but I guess a secular school does what they want. It was a bit annoying, although I raised my hand and did my best to explain what "saved by grace through faith" means in the context of history. The other Christians in the class jumped in on that one.

I stopped at several places in Davison to inquire about employment. I picked up a couple of applications, but nothing promising.

Friday: Got up around 9:30 to drive to Roscommon. Picked up MY CAR, ate lunch in West Branch, and headed home.

Saturday: I may or may not have slept until noon. We went blueberry picking, took Bo to Garrett's house. I picked up some MORE job applications. Made a bunch of calls tonight. My new least favorite phrase is, "We're not hiring at this time, but we're always accepting applications." argh. I got some Gilmore Girls discs at the library, so there's my evening. :)

Adios.

I'm Alive!

That's correct. I am alive; I survived my first day at Mott Community College.
The classes I had today were good. I think they'll prove to be challenging without being impossible.

There are some "characters" in both classes... the man who made a rather lame political joke while twirling his handlebar moustache, (yes, you read that correctly) and the man who thinks America has a secret plot to annihilate every other nation. (Why else do we have "all the money and weapons"?)

And then there was the man who cheerfully "greeted" each of us while walking down the hall. Let's just say that if his words were a color, they would have been lime green. Or maybe neon yellow.

I have English Comp tomorrow in Clio. Here's to hoping Emilyy ends up taking it with me.

Inevitable

Today was a good day :) I got up in time for Sunday School, talked to Aunt Marilyn while we did our hair, and drove to the church. There were only two other kids in my class, and I didn't know either of them. After class, Mom and I waited in the foyer for Peru people to come. Mike came first, then Craig and his family came a few minutes later. Ian did NOT come, and is in big trouble.

After church, we went to Pizza Hut with the Kesterkes and Zebells. I spent most of the time chatting with Craig. After all, I hadn't seen him for a whole week. ;-) Seriously though, we talked a lot about the upcoming school year, his new exchange student brother, and just generally being bold. I caught up with Mrs. Z. a little bit, as well as with Mike and Anne.

Mom and I got home around 7. She got to work on the casseroles for the morning. I figured out where my classes are and registered to take the ACT. I talked to Jared the whole way to the airport, where we picked up Dad and Bo.

Kaylie will be here sometime around 3. Yes, AM. Laughter and not-sleeping will abound, ending with a large breakfast in the REAL morning. With that last, bitter goodbye, summer shall officially be over.

Anticipation & Dread,
Alyssa Joy

Hey, hey, that's freedom you hear...

Buenos noches mis amigos!
I'm going to try to blog more regularly now. I doubt I'll ever have a big, "recap," whatever, about the MONTHS it has been since I really blogged.

Last night was spent at Nanny and John's house. We went to La Pinata for incredible authentic Mexican food. mmm, chorizo. Lots of snuggling with my baby cousin. Walked the dogs. Watched (an extremely edited version of) The Green Mile. Wow. Good movie, at least what I saw of it.

This morning we snuggled with the baby some more. I chased him around his room for a while... we walked the dogs, went shopping, got some lunch (mmm. Teriyaki Chicken). Made the baby laugh like crazy on the way home (are you seeing a pattern?)

We left Nanny and John's around 2 and headed for Uncle Doug and Aunt Marilyn's house. We waved hello to Andrew on Skype (he's in Jerusalem!), walked MARILYN'S dog, went to the farmer's market for lettuce and sweet corn, ate dinner, talked... and now here I am, blogging it on up. :)

Tomorrow is church at Sister Lakes. It'll be a mini-Peru reunion, with Craig and Ian for sure, and maybe more! Huzzah!

Love and excitement,
Alyssa Joy

The End of Summer

I find that lyrics can more eloquently express my thoughts than I can. These songs sum up my summer fairly well... Once I'm unpacked, I'll post a few excerpts from my summer journal, and a few pictures.

"Summers almost over and I think I'm changing colors,
It's time to lose myself again
Oh and I've been thinking this year
Maybe I'll be something better
Maybe I'll lose some of this selfish skin
Look into the mirror and it all becomes much clearer
I'm not quite who I once was
But I don’t mind these changes that time and age might bring us
As long as it brings me closer to You.
I'm not scared of being what You want me to
Put me together so that I look more like You
I'm not scared of being what You want me to
Put me together so that I look more like You
I'd do anything, yeah I'd do anything"
-Hibernation Pieces, Ruth

"So long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays
So long sweet summer
I fell into you
Now you're gracefully falling away
Hey thanks
Thanks for that summer
It's cold where you're going
I hope that your heart's always warm
I gave you the best
Gave you the best that I have."
-So Long, Sweet Summer; Dashboard Confessional

"Let's have a talk about the good times
But you were always giving in
Let's have a talk about the good times
Boy, you were only giving in
The summer is over and I doubt
I doubt I'll be seeing you around
I'll be seeing you around"
-Summer, Man; Taking Back Sunday

"And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
For the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends."
-Friends, Michael W. Smith

"Splashing through the sandbar
Talking by the campfire
It's the simple things in life like when and where."
-All Summer Long, Kid Rock *gags*

"Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.
Rid me of myself, I belong to You.
Lord lead me, lead me to the cross."
-Lead me to the Cross, Hillsong

"When the oceans rise, and thunders roar
I will soar with You, above the storm
Father, You are King, over the flood
I will be still, Know You are God."
-Oceans Rise, Hillsong

"And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Could You tell me, how could it be, any better, any better than this?
Because You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything."
-Everything, Lifehouse

"Raise your voice in song!
Sing the whole day long!
Hiawatha, sing of Christ, the truth, the WA-A-A-AY
Let His praises ring *whoop*
To the coming King
Hiawatha, sing of Christ
Who lives todaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"
-Hiawatha, Otis Skilling(s?)

A Third Person Definition of the Author

She loves Jesus with everything in her, and is ready to devote her life to Him. She'll hug you, every time she sees you. She loves to laugh really hard. Stargazing is one of her favorite things to do. She's not going to tell you how she really feels, but if you pay attention to the lyrics of music she's listening to, you'll figure it out. She'll try to solve your problems and make things better for you. If you speak Spanish to her, she'll probably cry tears of joy.

She loves intensely. The strings of her heart are tied to so many people, and she doesn't like to let go. Change is hard for her. Slowly but surely, she's learning how to trust. If you let her, she'll talk to you for hours. She couldn't carry a tune in a basket (or the Atlantic Ocean... thanks Levi), but that doesn't stop her from singing with the windows down at the top of her lungs.

She loves driving through Hillsdale County with her friends. If she was allowed to, she would live with her Grandma and Grandpa Baker. Very few people see her as she sees herself. This reality is slowly sinking in.

Peru 2009

'Ello readers.
Anyway, my mom and I are returning to Peru this year, as I'm sure you know.
I have created a blog for this trip:
www.alyssaperu2009.blogspot.com
Check it out :)

An Afternoon in the Country

It's sunny and 70 degrees, a perfect afternoon weather-wise. I'm riding in the cab of an old, red Ford truck. The windows are rolled down and the breeze is pouring in. Grandpa's truck smells familiar, like childhood. The red leather seat is warm, but not scorching.

The rolling fields pass by, intermittently broken up by farmhouses and faded red barns. The occasional foal or calf is cause for great excitement in the truck. The goat in the back bleats from time to time, her bell ringing merrily as the truck bounces down the road.

The sun warms my face and the wind strokes my hair. An Amish man waves as he passes us in his buggy. As the goat bleats again, the smell of freshly mowed grass tickles my nostrils.

I lean back on the seat next to my grandpa and my cousin. Three generations of Bakers, riding home from doing farm chores. This is happiness, I think, as I close my eyes contentedly. This is what it's all about.

A Blank Page

A friend made a comment in passing a few weeks ago about giving God a blank page of your life. That has been stuck in my mind ever since, repeating itself over and over.

So often, I tell God I want to do His will, IF His will includes *insert activity I can't miss here.* If His will means missing something I want to do, I'm upset.

I'll pray and ask God to tell me what He wants with my life, but I assume it will include an activity I'm currently in. I'm taking Spanish, so God must want me to end up in South America. I'm in debate, so maybe I'll do some sort of public speaking. I love kids, so I'm probably be a teacher- and so my thoughts go.

A completely blank page is nearly incomprehensible to me. To say to God, "Here is a BLANK PAGE of my life," is hard for me. I like to be in control, to know what's going on, to have things planned out.

I need to give Him a completely blank page. Free of MY hopes and dreams, my "commitments," my friends- for Him to fill with HIS hopes and dreams for me.

Band of the Week- 3/6-3/13

I've decided that I'm going to start posting a "Band of the Week" entry... This one's a little late, but I want to get another one in before... um. Yeah. It's a secret. Anyway.

This week's band is The Classic Crime. Hailing from Seattle, The Classic Crime consists of Matt MacDonald (vocals), Justin DeQue (guitar), Robbie Negrin (guitar), Skip Erickson (drums), and Alan Clark (bass). The band is "labeled" as alternative/indie/rock. However, these vague labels come nowhere near describing the sheer beauty and energy of their music.

Although the band does not label themselves as a "Christian band," they are signed with Tooth and Nail Records. Many of their lyrics speak of a deep faith, hope in something more than the world, and love. Their latest album, "A Silver Cord," is a metaphor taken from the Old Testament.

This band has incredible talent and a sound all their own. The songs are catchy without being annoying, and make you think without shoving anything down your throat.

Lyric samples:
Don't waste your time if you've got it /The tides are turning now/You are not alone
-We All Look Elsewhere- Albatross- 2006

And I hope you know that Someone out there loves you/So don't give yourself away/and don't listen to them when they say/"This is the way that you are."
-The Way That You Are-The Silver Cord-2008

I've got a sneaking suspicion/That hindsight only favors good vision.
-5805- The Silver Cord- 2008

So I will sing/and you will hear me/and join the chorus so we can start again/Our voices raised
are flawed but freeing/our souls so we can change and start again.
-Sing- The Silver Cord- 2008

I still hold the belief that we are free/that we don't need the rules to see/that despite what we've done, we're not alone/We're closer than we think to home
-Closer than We Think- The Silver Cord- 2008

Oh, all the memories we had/framed in our minds like photographs/take a second, take a second/and make this last/here's where the future meets the past.

Honey Garlic Chicken Fried Rice

Per Jenney's request. Keep in mind that besides the sauce, this is entirely my own creation. Feel free to tweak it :)

Serves one famished person, two hungry people, or three people with virtually no appetite. Basically, serve it to two.

Sauce:
1 tsp garlic salt
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp mustard
3 tsp soy sauce
1/2 cup vinegar- I would recommend red wine vinegar, but white works too
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup ketchup

Combine ingredients in a small mixing bowl, beat with whisk until mixed, set aside
*optional* add 2-3 tsp fresh squeezed orange juice to taste.

Chicken:
Bake two boneless skinless chicken breasts. (20-35 min each) Halfway through baking time, slit with a knife and pour 1/4 cup of sauce on each.
Cut chicken into one inch cubes, or shred it if you prefer.

Rice: **wait until chicken is done cooking for this step!!**
one cup instant rice
2 tbsp butter or margarine
one egg
small skillet

Cook instant rice following normal instructions. Melt butter in a small skillet. When butter is melted, drop in the egg. "Scramble" the egg as usual. When egg is fully cooked, add the rice and approx. one cup of sauce. Stirring continuously, add the chicken breast.
Pour in approx. 1/2 cup of remaining sauce. (Note: You kind of have to "eyeball" how much sauce to use. The sauce will soak in to the rice as you cook, but you don't want it to end up soupy.)

Pour into bowls and serve.
Goes great with the egg drop soup from Sam the Cooking Guy.

Updating...

It's March 1st. Wow, it's March 1st. How strange... I still hadn't accepted that August was over. (By the way- "August is Over" by We The Kings= good song.) Anyway, I haven't updated since February 14th, so here we go...

We had a great family vacation to Florida. It was nice and warm, lots of time by the pool. Aunt Kendra came and brought Ian Joseph (my 4 month old cousin), so we had a lot of fun "baby time." We went shopping (I got dresses! and vests!), ate a lot, and soaked in the sun.

Last weekend (February 27-28) was the Christian Communicators of Michigan Invitational Speech and Debate Tournament at Midland Evangelical Free Church. Whew. I'm glad I didn't actually SAY that- I'm out of breath just from typing it. Anyway, it was a fun tournament. We had seven rounds of debate, and I had 3 rounds of Impromptu.
The results? I placed 1st in Impromptu, my partner (Eric) and I placed 4th in Varsity Team Debate, and I was 1st place Varsity Debate Speaker.

Now I'm sitting at Delta College, relishing the fact that they have Macs... ahhhhh. Emistotle and I are going to go get dinner before class.

Pictures of Florida and the tournament will come soon!

A Valentine's Day Survey.

For Valentine's Day, I went to a concert with two of my good friends. It was amazing. I watched some hilarious youtube videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMYX1VDpkHE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49jKeGyUCJE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp9Gm-aRe5A
Now I'm going to go make White Chicken Chili for tomorrow. After that I'll watch Gilmore Girls and eat popcorn. Happy Day!

Emilyy, Sarah, Guitar Player, me, Lead Singer- Run Kid Run
Emilyy, guitar player, drummer, Sarah, me, Lead Singer, bassist- Lightswitch
I took this without a zoom

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU...

Had someone buy you something?
Yes... Jared and Levi both bought me lunch. My parents bought me lots of things...

Gotten sick?
Yes.

Been hugged?
Yes, I was on retreat. I was hugged so much...

Felt stupid?
Numerous times.

Missed someone?
Every second I was awake. And most of those during which I was asleep.

Failed a test?
Nope.

Ate cereal?
Yes. Yum

Danced crazy?
Not that I know of, but I have been guilty of singing really loudly when I'm alone in the car.

Gotten your hair cut?
Yes. And dyed.

Lied?
Not that I remember.

HAVE YOU EVER...

Said "I Love you" and meant it?
Yes. I never say it without meaning it.

Waited all night for a phone call that never came?
Not all night

Snuck out?
Nope. And it's "Sneaked"

Sat and looked at the stars?
Oh, no. Never.
Ahem.

Do you swear?
Absolutely not.

Do you ever spit?
I spit out some gross food once.

Do you cook your own food?
I can.

Do you do your own chores?
mmhmm

Do you like beef jerky?
Yeah. Especially on the way home from Retreat

Do you like pepsi or coke?
Mountain Dew.

Are you happy with your hair?
I love it! I wish it was always this color.

Do you own a dog?
no.

Do you spend your money wisely?
Normally.

Do you like to swim?
mmhmm

Do you call a friend when you get bored?
Yeah.

DO YOU PREFER...

Gray or Black?
Black.

Color or black and white photos?
depends on the subject.

Sunrise or Sunset?
Sunset. And the song called "Sunrise, Sunset" from Fiddler on the Roof.

M&Ms or Skittles?
Skittles. The ones in the purple package.

VALENTiNES DAY QUESTiiONS...

Do you like anyone?
I do.

Do they know it?
Yes.

Does someone like you currently?
I would hope so. I would hate to find out that my friends and family have been pretending all this time.

Are you even worried about the upcoming holiday?
Why would I be worried?

Why is this an important holiday to couples?
I have no idea. Valentine's Day was created to honor St. Valentine. It originated as a day to show EVERYONE love. Not just your "significant other." However, as with so many other good things, the world and Hallmark teamed up to corrupt the day forever.
See here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/note.php?note_id=50059994863

Have you ever gotten something from someone on the day?
Yes. School valentines, back in the day.

Life is a Highway

I'm home from Winter Retreat 2009. There are so many emotions and thoughts flying through my head. I just slept for 12 hours. I talked Emily's ear off the whole way home last night.

If it was possible to freeze moments forever, these are the ones I would freeze:

Brandon telling us to make love our identity, not our strategy.

Singing Mighty to Save with one arm around Kimmee and the other around Levi.

"That's a huge fan."

Making videos about the wood flavored soup with Joci and Taylor.

Looking around the room as a hundred or so of my peers cried and worshipped together.

"What the E-sharp?!"

Joci's asthmatic horse.

Hugging Kimmee until I couldn't breathe.

Levi-Alyssa Talks on the bus.

Dancing with Kimmee during "I am Free" *Charlie Brown!*

Talking to Megan by the sinks in the bathroom every day :D

That part of one of the videos Rocky made where David Anthony tries to kiss the camera.

Teaching Jerry what REAL music is.

Playing spoons, butter knives, "Bible Study," and Egyptian Rat...slap? screw? I refuse to enter THAT debate.

From the Inside Out

Lip Sync. All of it.

Never calling Mallory by her name, just "Twin."

Begging to be humbled.

The multiple epic failures that were videos with Rocky and Joci.

Finally being on the winning team.

Realizing that I was completely surrounded by people who WOULD NOT let me fail.

Kat & Emmy rocking out to Born to be Wild *Kat

The "camp situation" that turned out to be pizza *Kat

The pillow attack of death *Doug

Levi's sardines *after everyone is done yelling and holding their noses* "Want some?" "NO! I DO NOT WANT ANY!!!" *Jess

"So, how do you want me for this?" *Jess

Connie, Rocky, Jess, Me, and Jenna- getting ready to leave the Farm.
Eric, Jared, Me, Kimmee. EpicMe, Jess, Jenna, Grace- on the bus.
Eric, Kimmee, me, Joci, Rocky- "Biker Ball" :DJess, Jenna, Me, Amanda, Rosie- Cabin 7 Remnant
Emilyy, Joci, Rocky, Me- Emilyy came to pick me up!

Sweet Sixteen Party

L: Levi, Hunter, Emilyy Joy. R: Rocky and Me... not really sure what's going on.

L: Kimmee, Emilyy, Me. R: Rocky and Me, once more. A "smile"!!!

L: Levi (my buddy) and Me. R: Rocky and Me. no smile this time.

L: Levi & Emilyy R: Levi, Grace, Me. She tried to kiss my cheek.

L: Me, Maggie, Molly. R: Levi and Me, again.

WGTP

Last year on our way to Peru, we tried to teach Pastor Doug how to speak "text" language. He was trying to come up with acronyms for various things specific to our trip. The mixture of our excitement and lack of sleep caused sheer hilarity.

One such acronym was "WGTP," or, "We're going to Peru." Friends, family, random stalkers who may happen to be reading my blog (if that describes you, please leave)... I am pleased to announce that once again...

WGTP!!!!!

That's right, folks. My mom and I are returning to Peru. We received the dates for our trip and the go-ahead from my dad this morning. I cried with joy when I found out, and my eyes are overflowing again as I type this.

This was the only thing I would ever be willing to miss camp for, and God has worked it out so that I can go to Peru and to Hiawatha. He is, oh, so good.
WGTP. Praise the Lord.